Civil Discourse: Bearing the Fruits of Four Years of Constructive Conversations

Empathy. Discomfort. Controversy. Curiosity. Perspective. Engagement. These six words encompass a wide range of emotional and intellectual ideas. In the fall of 2020, when the Class of 2024 were freshmen, they started attending sessions to learn about civil discourse. While the world was still navigating the pandemic, it was a great time to practice how to have constructive conversations about things we agree on… and things we disagree on.
Throughout the last four years, the Class of 2024 became very familiar with all six emotions and ideas. As seniors, they also got a chance to lead by example when they met with freshmen (the Class of 2027) to share what they had learned about civil discourse and start the younger girls on their journey.

In the beginning, some of the Class of 2024 students admitted they didn’t understand the purpose of the civil discourse sessions. They assumed they knew how to have conversations with their classmates. What was there to learn?

“When people hear ‘civil discourse,’ they think ‘This can only be used in a debate when you’re onstage arguing with somebody about politics or something controversial,’ but I use this in my everyday life,” said Olivia Lester ’24. “I use this if my mom and I are having a disagreement or I’m trying to work out some plans with a friend and there are miscommunication issues. These skills are used when you’re debating between chocolate or vanilla ice cream or when you are having more of a political or religious conversation with differing opinions. It can be used on any spectrum of conversation. That’s something that I learned freshman year.”

According to the organization Facing History and Ourselves, civil discourse is when we “listen respectfully to different opinions and experiences, try out ideas and positions, and give and get constructive feedback without fear or intimidation.”

To jumpstart the civil discourse sessions in 2020, Hutchison invited Sarah Wilson as a visiting scholar. Wilson, who serves as the executive director of the Tennessee Association of Independent Schools and previously directed Laurel’s Center for Research on Girls (LCRG) at Laurel School in Shaker Heights, Ohio, helped Hutchison adopt the civil discourse skills outlined by LCRG.

Six Skills for Civil Discourse

  1. Extending Empathy – considering opinions or beliefs from another’s point of view
  2. Accepting Discomfort – experiencing negative emotions and acknowledging and absorbing them
  3. Braving Controversy – engaging and working through a complex conversation or conflict with someone you disagree with
  4. Cultivating Curiosity – showing interest in new ideas and experiences, asking questions, discovering others’ stories, and understanding oneself
  5. Taking Perspective – understanding and articulating a point of view that is different from your own
  6. Engaging Effectively – listening in a way that is fair and asking questions to further a conversation in an authentic and nonjudgmental way
Tonya Faulkner, director of student culture and belonging, and Makayla Boswell, director of Hutchison Leads, have continued to promote these skills as guidelines when leading students in civil discourse sessions. “We tell them that civil discourse is not intended to change their opinions or beliefs, but to have productive conversations and grow from their interactions with people who have opposing views,” Faulkner said.

In the spirit of conversation, we asked four members of the Class of 2024 what they’ve experienced while practicing civil discourse over the last four years and how they’ve changed because of these sessions.

“I learned early on that you don’t always know what’s going on in somebody else’s life.” — Olivia Lester ’24

What Do You Keep in Mind When You Practice Civil Discourse in Conversations? 

“The key is to take a step back and realize that every person has a different background and story,” said Ayrah Kashmiri ’24. “If someone has a difference in opinion and feels strongly about it, you should see why they think that way. You may say ‘I think what this person is saying is not right, but I can see what led them to think that way.’ Asking ‘Why do you believe that?’ and learning about their background can help the conversation be more civil,” Kashmiri added.

Olivia Lester said: “I learned early on that you don’t always know what’s going on in somebody else’s life. By extending empathy, you’re putting yourself in their shoes and trying to understand where they’re coming from, how they’re thinking, and how they’re feeling about a certain situation. This can change your perspective versus solely approaching the conversation from how you think and what you believe.”

J’oules Williams ’24 added that it’s important for her to make friends who are different from her. “We’re going to be able to find commonality, but also our differences make us shine the most. I want to be able to listen to them and hear them out first.” She added: “That does not mean being best friends with everyone; that means you’re able to have regular conversations and be civil about it.”

How Do You Navigate an Uncomfortable Conversation? 

“When you’re having a discussion, go into it with an open mind and try to speak with facts versus with feelings,” Ayrah Kashmiri said. “When I don’t lead conversations based on my emotions, I am able to think clearer and more rationally.”

She added that it gets easier with time and experience. “It can be difficult, especially if you are a person who is very empathetic,” Kashmiri explained. “Before I enter a conversation, I remember that we all have differences and this might affect me deeply, but I’m going to try to set aside my feelings and think about the facts and the issues. It helps me deal with the issues and with a person who believes differently.”

Lester added: “Going into it with the mindset of ‘Okay, I know I’m stepping out of my comfort zone, I know I’m doing something different.’ It’s hard for people to be vulnerable in a conversation.” She explained that managing discomfort might mean simply trying to explain your side of the story again, but that sometimes stepping away is the safest option and then returning to it later. “That’s completely acceptable, but it can be hard for people to do sometimes. It’s important to figure out an outlet that is healthy for you to deal with emotions in difficult times.”

“There have definitely been times for me where there’s been a disagreement or an argument, and I’ve had to remember these skills,” said Caroline Kim ’24. “Sometimes I can get passionate and emotional about a topic that I care about. I just take a step back and think about what my points should be. I use my words eloquently without making it seem personal or emotional. To make sure my point is understood, I usually ask ‘Do you have any questions for me?’ ”

She added: “I’ve also learned that it’s okay to agree to disagree. Though someone else might have a different point of view, at the end of the day, I don’t always have to agree with what this person says or vice versa. They can have a different opinion and we can move on.”

“In the past I was the first to jump up, talk, and defend myself,” said Williams. “As a senior I began to think more—sit back and be quiet, and hear the other side out first. Then I’d give a thoughtful response, which is important so that you are not coming on in a negative way that makes their opinion less than yours.” After she’s had a difficult conversation, Williams reminds herself: “What happened has happened, but you’re still who you are, you should trust who you are, and still be yourself.”

“My beliefs didn’t change as much as the way I perceived others’ beliefs ... through civil discourse, I was able to see shades of gray on different topics.” — Ayrah Kashmiri ’24

What Have You Gained from Engaging in Civil Discourse over the Last Four Years?

“A benefit of having a difficult conversation is that you gain a new perspective,” said Williams. “I love hearing a different side and thinking, ‘Hey, I didn’t think about it that way.’ I love learning about people and diversity and different cultures. Taking in someone else’s perspective helps me to understand where they come from. It’s not that I need to agree; understanding and agreeing are two different things.”

Kashmiri said: “My beliefs didn’t change as much as the way I perceived others’ beliefs. I think that the conversations as a whole led me to become more open-minded. I was able to see why people believe different things. Oftentimes we think one side is either right or wrong, but through civil discourse, I was able to see shades of gray on different topics.”

“As a senior, I began to think more—sit back and be quiet, and hear the other side out first. Then I’d give a thoughtful response, which is important so that you are not coming on in a negative way that makes their opinion less than yours.” — J’oules Williams ’24

Kim said that these sessions helped build her confidence and will help her as she goes on to college. “I know that there will be more of these conversations. But for me, freshman year, I was almost scared to have uncomfortable conversations because I didn’t want any of my friends to disagree with me. In the end, we’re going to continue having these conversations, whether that be with family, friends, people that we work with, and it’s going to be okay. I accept it rather than feel uncomfortable by it, and I lead with confidence.”

Kashmiri agreed: “I’m definitely more confident, because I know how to carry on conversations without losing myself,” she explained. “I’ve learned to have conversations that are productive without getting too emotionally invested. That in itself has led me to become confident with my own capabilities and my own understanding of myself. Civil discourse completely changed the way I have conversations. I know I’m going to have difficult conversations after high school and in the workforce. This is a foundational step in how to interact with people in the real world.”

Lester admitted that it’s a skill that will require lifelong practice. “The program did a great job of helping us have these conversations, starting with something very simple and moving to something a little more controversial,” she said. “You’re always growing in these conversations and learning more and more about it. I don’t think anybody has ever mastered it, or probably ever will, because you’re constantly growing as a person and trying to understand yourself and other people.” 

“I hope that the freshmen take these skills and use them. I understand that right now they might not see how they’re so beneficial in life,” Lester said. “Freshman year, I thought, ‘What am I going to use these skills for?’ But they genuinely are so beneficial. I hope that we did a good job of helping them learn these and understanding they will play a big part in their life.” 

Williams added: “I can learn about someone’s past that I did not know about until we had a conversation in which we were vulnerable. I lay aside my prejudices, they lay aside theirs, and we’re able to find common ground and express ourselves.”

“I know that there will be more of these conversations. I accept it rather than feel uncomfortable by it, and I lead with confidence.” — Caroline Kim ’24
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